don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
