he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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