I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
