omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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