Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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