I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
