Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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