its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
