I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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