Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
