Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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