did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Every concussion has its silver lining
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
