my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
