found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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