Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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