I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
