Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
