I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
