Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
