I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
