thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
