Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
