we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
