I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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