it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
