the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
