Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i think i just lost a toe
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
