I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
