i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
