in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
