you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
