gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
