if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Randomize
