It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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