Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
