I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
