u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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