I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
