I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
