well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
