i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
