hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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