I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I cut my penus on the lid.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
