Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
