apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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