After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
