all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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