I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
