I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
