I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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