I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
