My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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