I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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