Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's rum buckets o'clock
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
