ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
