are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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